I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
