So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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