He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
