I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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