He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
