If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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