We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
