Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
