i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
