dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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