I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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