I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
