idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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