Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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