he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
