If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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