I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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