At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
