He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We had sex on a dog bed..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
