true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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