man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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