I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
