I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That's intense
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
