it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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