got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
