He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
