I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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