Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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