just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
