I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
