I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
