you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
