I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
