Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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