New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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