Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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