O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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