At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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