I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
