Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
