i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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