Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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