Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
