New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
