I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
