My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
