I didn't shave. On purpose
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
