It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
