I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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