His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
