Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
whose parrot is this?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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