When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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