I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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