I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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