yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
