i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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