He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
