got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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