I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize