Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
