I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize